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How many times is this man going to say kegel?

So, I find myself in the urologist office, at thirty five.  Wow, ladies, you should prepare yourselves.  It's like going to the gynecologist, with the stirrups and everything.  Toes should be polished, things should be shaved, very recently cleaned, etc...

I'm having a problem peeing, it hurts.  WTH?  So, my sweet, well-connected, husband sets up an appointment for me, with his colleague, across the hall.  This man happens to be attractive, with a beautiful accent, which makes all the (forth-coming) kegel discussion even more awkward for me (I'm immature).

So, I have my exam and the doctor says, in his lovely voice, I can't really tell you why you are having trouble peeing but, I am going to give you some medicine and I think you will have relief in a day or two.  Now, lets talk about your bladder.  Um, what?  I'm not here for that... Your bladder has dropped significantly, he says.  OMG.  He goes on to ask me if I sometimes pee when I sneeze, an even bigger OMG.  He asked me if I birthed big babies (no).  Or, had babies in rapid succession (BINGO).   So, attractive doctor, with nice accent, goes on to say you need to start doing kegel exercises, everyday.  You need to do kegel exercises, to avoid bladder surgery.  Kegel exercises will really help.  KEGEL! KEGEL!  KEGEL!

Wow, has this man had a private conversation with my husband? 

After my appointment, I head over to my husband's office, to pick up our children.  We visit for a while and then he walks us out.  Who do we run into, in the hallway, the nice looking doctor, who has just examined my girls parts, ALL OF MY GIRL PARTS.  Awkward.  We all get on the elevator together and he looks at our children and says, to me, "wow, you really have been busy!" Yeah, I bet he is really think kegel now.

Compassion

Aside from my three small children and some injured animals, I really don't have any.

My dear husband came home FROM THE GYM with a back injury.  He was in a lot of pain and could hardly walk (i.e. help with the children, play with the children, get the children ready for bed).  Nevertheless, we made it through the evening and I was relaxing on the couch, watching Design Star when my husband laid on the floor resting on his ice pack and demanded we watch something, "we both can enjoy."  I turned on The Office and my husband and I started talking (mistake) this led to my husband saying "YOU HAVE NO COMPASSION. YOU ARE JUST A MEAN PERSON."  Well, there is a girl, from Oklahoma, on Design Star and I'm not turning it off for nothing.  So, I changed the channel back.  Screw you, is what I am thinking.  I'm not changing my show to have you complain and tell me I'm mean (that's why I had kids). 

I continue watching my show and my husband begins to complain and decides to reach for whatever loud kid toy he can find lying next to him on the floor.  He gets the boys electric guitar going pretty loudly and I am getting annoyed.  So, calmly, I get up and go and get our water spritzer bottle.  The bottle we use when we are cooking steaks on the grill.  I walk over, real nicely, to my husband and give him a nice spritzer.  This makes him jump a little consequently, hurting his back even more.  I like it.  So, I sit down on the couch behind my husband with the spritzer bottle and sweetly tell him there will be a spritzer every time he picks up another kid toy and we go on to watch the rest of the show in relative quiet.  At the end of the show my husband says, "this wasn't that bad."

We go to bed together.  He puts on his APAP and I put in my iphone.  We squeeze hands across the bed.   I love this (really annoying) man.  In the morning, when he wakes me, because he is in so much pain he can't put on his shoes and socks, I kneel down on the floor and slide his socks on in the gentlest way I can and tell him, "thank you for going to work.  I love you." and he kisses me and tells me he loves me too.

Scary Mommy is Coming!

Last week, I'm rushing trying to get my boys (3 & 4) ready for vacation Bible school which starts at nine o'clock.  I also have an 11 month old so getting anywhere by nine is a REAL ACCOMPLISHMENT (needless to say, we didn't make it on time).  In the car, on the way there my son said to me, "mommy you were scary two times this morning."  Scary mommy... I'm liking this.  I'm using scary mommy everyday now

You don't want to pick up your toys?   Do you want scary mommy to come out?

Scary mommy doesn't like complaining about dinner!  Eat It!


Put your shoes on or scary mommy may leave you here.


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